Philip Seymour Hoffman, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead: If your life’s desire is to see the crack of Capote’s ass, then sure, this is the movie for you.
Donald Sutherland, Space Cowboys: In Space Cowboys (aka “Grumpy Old Astronauts”), four old old-school test pilots (Tommy Lee Jones, James Garner, Donald Sutherland and Clint Eastwood) suit up to repair an out-of-orbit satellite threatening to crash-land to earth. The flyboys are lined up nude for a physical and everyone except Sutherland’s character cups his genitals when a lady doctor enters the room. That right there is the Wrong Stuff.
Kathy Bates, At Play in the Fields of the Lord: Oscar-winner Kathy Bates will forever be slammed for her nude hot-tub scene with Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt. But in At Play in the Fields of the Lord, set in Brazil’s Amazon rain basin, Bates goes native by covering her naked body with mud and running around the jungle, which, believe me, was far more alarming.
John Gielgud, Prospero’s Books: This wildly experimental, artful version of Shakespeare’s The Tempest is visually beautiful and chock-full of male and female nudity (and even child cherubs pissing), but in one scene, when superb British actor John Gielgud (well-known for his turn as the wise and pithy butler in Arthur) rises up nude from a pool, the sight of his wrinkled body is enough to make you want to cry.
Julie Andrews, S.O.B.: In this acerbic comedy by Blake Edwards, the hills are alive with the sight of Maria’s nipples.
Burgess Meredith, Such Good Friends: Mostly known by film fans as Rocky Balboa’s irascible trainer, or as the Penguin in TV’s campy original Batman series, Burgess pops up nude in Otto Preminger’s prickly black comedy Such Good Friends. In the film, Dyan Cannon fantasizes about Burgess Meredith dancing naked in front of her with a book dangling from a chain to strategically cover his privates. It’s enough to turn you off reading forever.
Terry Bradshaw, Failure to Launch: Famed football quarterback and celebrated thespian (Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit II) stars in this drippy romantic comedy about a 35-year-old man (Matthew McConaughey) still living with his parents (Terry Bradshaw and Kathy Bates). In one scene, McConaughey walks in on his dad (Bradshaw) buck-naked, feeding his fish and listening to hip-hop. This sight is so frightening you’ll find yourself frantically trying to regain sense memory of McConaughey’s abs to help erase the horror.
Jessica Tandy, Camilla: Legendary actress Jessica Tandy (Broadway’s original Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire) stars in this icky confection about an elderly woman who goes on a wacky road trip with a younger woman (Bridget Fonda). The scene in which an 85-year-old Tandy goes skinny-dipping evokes the idea of Driving Miss Nude Daisy.
Jay North, Maya: TV’s irascible scamp Dennis the Menace (Jay North) was forever making his neighbor miserable, but what would Mr. Wilson think of little Dennis showing his naked butt in Maya, a kiddie movie in which North plays Terry, a motherless lad who goes to India in search of his big-game-hunter dad (Clint Walker), who’s gone missing. After a harrowing trip down the rapids, Terry towels off his nude body (which must be a screensaver for some child molester). I had a hard time tracking this down and felt like a real perv when a friend met me in Midtown to lend me a VHS copy. I half-expected Chris Hanson from Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” to jump out from behind a bush with a camera crew.
Patrick Dempsey, Some Girls: TV’s Grey’s Anatomy doctor heartthrob Patrick Dempsey made a lot of lame films early on in his career. In Some Girls, he chases Jennifer Connelly around and even has a quick full-frontal scene, which won’t make you think “McDreamy,” but rather “McTeeny.” Some things are better left to the imagination.
What! McDreamy is included in the list?!